Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
