planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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