It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
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