I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Randomize
