I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
Randomize
