Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Randomize
