i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
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