Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
