You're a womanizer and a bitch.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Randomize
