She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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