just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
