Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
