So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
