I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
How does it feel to date your dad?
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Randomize
