new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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