you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
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