If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
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