Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Randomize
