so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
