he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
the gays at disneyland are vicious
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Randomize
