Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
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