My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Randomize
