oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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