I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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