my phone needs a breathalizer
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Randomize
