I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Houston, we have a blender
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
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