So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
Im just a social blackout drinker.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
