I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
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