So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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