party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
