I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Randomize
