He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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