i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
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