biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
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