I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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