im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
