Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Randomize