I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
