Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Randomize
