Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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