She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
