I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong.
Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Randomize
