if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Randomize
