I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
