i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Randomize