Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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