He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
