listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Randomize
