I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Randomize
