Swine flu. Run for my life!
You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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