M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
