cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
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