i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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