i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
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