Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
