I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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