i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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