i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
Even my vagina gasped.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
