I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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