i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
