I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
