Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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