So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
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