I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
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