I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
Randomize
