I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
