The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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