also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
