My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
