I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
