I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
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