my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Randomize
