I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
