After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
