so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
