u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize
